Lessen Your Troubles Something Just Not Right? Wondering, "When Do Things Get Better?"

Lessen Your Troubles
Something Just Not Right? Wondering, "When Do Things Get Better?"Angelo Pezzote
Mission Statement: We as gay men internalize the homonegativity of the world, thus imposing it upon ourselves. Many of us police our own behavior in an attempt to emulate the dominant group. We may try to conform to fit in as best we can. This causes us problems like shame, low esteem, self-destructive behavior, and disconnection. Thus, I advocate to eradicate both internalized and external homonegativity. I approach gayness as something that's positive, natural, and healthy. Much of our suffering comes from experiencing other people's negative reactions to us being gay, not from being gay by nature. I think almost all gay men experience social and psychological trauma because of prejudicial gay stigma, discrimination, and oppression. We are significantly stressed and unfairly challenged by the toxic homophobic atmosphere of our heterosexist culture, and negatively impacted by the dysfunctional responses of others. Having walked the walk, I help gay men thrive and sustain relationship in a sometimes insensitve world, providing trauma resolution.

It's my goal to help change damaging experiences for gay men by: improving the poisonous homophobic atmosphere of our culture, alleviating symptoms or problems arising from these sensitive issues, fostering self-acceptance and self-love, affirming non-shameful authentic sexual identity, encouraging personal growth, and improving relationships. Thus, all of my work is in the context of being gay-affirmative.

"My Life Has Changed Considerable Because I Followed Your Advice On How To Like Myself And Find A Lasting Relationship, Freddy.”

http://www.AskAngelo.com

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Ever Want Your Own "Personal Assistant?" Should I Have A Therapist?

Angelo, I always avoided the idea of 'therapy' because I felt I would have to admit that there is something wrong with me --JT.

Hogwash! Therapy doesn't mean something's wrong with you. It's a tool for personal growth. It's necessary wellness education. I work by internet (skype), phone, or in person.
In choosing a psychotherapist, research reveals the most important thing for successful therapy outcomes is the therapist. But it isn't anything about the therapist that matters. What matters most is that they're a good fit for you. The right relationship makes a difference.
In my private psychotherapy practice, I provide an evaluation period consisting of an initial consultation, as well as one to four more trial visits, so we can both take the time to decide whether I 'm the best match for your therapeutic needs. Thereeafter, if psychotherapy is initiated, we usually schedule one session per week at a mutually agreed time. I work by internet (skype), phone, or in person. I invite you to Contact me or simply pay and schedule.

You may also want to read the articles under Psychotherapy Treatment and FAQs for more helpful information about what you can expect from psychotherapy treatment.

-Angelo
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Straight Man With Gay Dreams / Thoughts

Dear Angelo,

As far as I know I’m a happily married straight man. I dream about having sex with men on occasion. I’ve never done it in real life and really have no desire to do so. But does having gay dreams mean I’m a "repressed" gay?

Signed, HomoErotic Dreamer

Dear HomoErotic Dreamer,

There’s a difference between sexual fantasy (what you think), sexual behavior (what you do), and sexual identity (what you are). In fact, they can all be independent phenomena, meaning one doesn’t necessarily have to do with the other.

Having same-sex fantasies doesn’t necessarily mean you’re gay. Having many different kinds of fantasies you may never act on is normal, especially when you masturbate. For instance, some people have sexual rape fantasies, but wouldn’t want to be raped in real life. As long as they stay in our heads, fantasies are just harmless thoughts.

Same-sex behavior is also fairly common. Dr. Kinsey published Sexual Behavior In The Human Male in 1948. Even in those relatively conservative times and much to the shock of America, Dr. Kinsey reported that a lot of the men he surveyed acknowledged having a same sex experience in their lifetime. In fact, almost half of the men said they had a sexual experience with another male at least once. And at least one out of three men said they had reached orgasm with another guy before age 45. The vast majority of men self-identified as heterosexual, not gay. A relatively recent survey out of New York showed at least one in ten straight men acknowledged having sex with another man in the last year.

Both Dr. Kinsey and Dr. Freud believed that human male sexuality is fluid. Most men aren’t simply all gay or all straight. Sex with a member of the same sex is a natural occurrence demonstrated by both humans and animals. Fruit flies, rams, flamingos, apes, whales - over 1,500 animal species in all - sometimes "play" with the same sex, some exclusively. So homosexuality is not unnatural, or a crime against nature, and having sex with a member of the same sex is relatively common. In many cultures, same-sex encounters are not unusual for straight men who are the tops, active, or insertive partners. It’s only the bottom, passive, or receptive partner that’s viewed as gay.

So a man can have gay fantasies and even gay sex and still not be gay overall. Although, suffice it to say that a fair share of men may compartmentalize such spheres and go so far as to "act" straight because of the profound stigma, loss, and potential danger that comes from openly acknowledging a full gay identity.

A gay identity is forged when you are predominately attracted to the same sex, act on that attraction, and feel like you want to romantically love and share your life with a member of the same sex. And the personal is political. In short, being gay is about a convergence of feelings - a mind, body, spiritual, and social orientation, not just a sexual one.

Don’t be afraid of your fantasies. They mean you’re human. While I don't encourage deceit, especially if you're in a committed heterosexual relationship, I do encourage you to explore them in a self-accepting, open, and honest way and see where that leads you.

All My Best, Angelo Pezzote - Published Author, Columnist, and Psychotherapist. http://www.askangelo.com/
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Setting The Record Straight

I was very touched in reading all of your posts. I am so sorry that many of you have been hurt by members of my (the gay) community. It might help if I clarify exactly what I'm about. While I don't know what it's like to be a woman or to be straight, I do know what it's like to be betrayed. It sucks. It hurts. It makes you sad. It makes you angry. It makes it hard to trust. In short - it's excruciating and devastating. While the focus of my marketing is on gay men, I have the education and experience to help everyone. And in my work, I don't condone gay men hiding their sexuality in any way, especially if it hurts the innocent people who love them. In fact, all of my work is geared toward helping gay men accept and love themselves for who and what they are - gay! My work is also about helping gay men find authentic connection with others, connection that's not based on facades. My book Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love is all about the damage that shame based lying does when gay men act straight, hiding who they are, and it aims to stop it - teaching gay men how to live authentically. While the focus of the book is on gay men, it's really a book for all men and anyone in a relationship with a man. It helps us understand how cultural homophobia and heterosexism drive men to do some of the things they do, including gay men marrying women. And sometimes it's understanding what happened to us and why that can help us heal.

Notes From Hollywood writes, "Pezzote’s book is filled with words of wisdom for moms, wives, sisters, girlfriends, and daughters as well. All men and anyone in relationship with a man (fathers, brothers, sons, husbands, boyfriends) have something to learn from Straight Acting.

My only regret when reading Angelo Pezzote’s Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love was realizing that, given the title, ‘straight’ men everywhere may not read the book, missing out on the powerful, transformational, life-affirming consequences. In Straight Acting, Pezzote skillfully and with heart and passion describes the behavioral, emotional and spiritual prison most men are trapped in, and details the escape route for any man to live more openly and freely within himself and in the real world."

I hope this helps and I am available if you need my support.

All My Best, Angelo Pezzote - Published Author, Columnist, and Psychotherapist. www.askangelo.com

Angelo Hears You

Hi everyone. I'm so honored by all your replies and the trust you're placing in me. I'm so sorry for the long delay in my reply. I've been out of the country. This is just a friendly note to let you know that I am catching up and will be responding to all of you over the next day or so. Best, Angelo Pezzote - Author Of Straight Acting http://www.askangelo.com

Explosive and Controversial Memoir by Dennis J. Schleicher: Why Is My Husband Gay? Did I Make Him Gay?

Explosive and Controversial Memoir by Dennis J. Schleicher: Why Is My Husband Gay? Did I Make Him Gay?

The Gay Man's Therapist by Angelo Pezzote

Your Weekly Affirmtion: The sun is always shining behind the clouds, even if grey skies is all you can see. ~Angelo
All's He Cares About Is Himself!

Dear Angelo,

I am in love with my friend but he doesn't feel the same way about me. In fact, he's very self-absorbed. All he cares about is himself. He doesn't even treat me good, but he's all I think about. I can't imagine my life without him. I need him. I wish he could just see that I'm what he's been looking for. I find myself really lonely, doubting myself and questioning things. I'm miserable, thinking of hurting myself, knowing I'll never be able to be with him. I wonder if things will ever improve for me. I'm so confused right now. I don't want to end up old and alone surrounded by cats and dogs.

Signed, Sinking Ship

Dear Sinking Ship,

I'm sorry you're suffering through this awful situation. The pain of unrequited love can be excruciating and the ensuing grief can seem unbearable. I'm so glad you sent out this S.O.S. ! And you know what? Your use of humor at the end ("surrounded by cats and dogs") tells me you're going to be okay.

In the movie Titanic, Rose has to let go of Jack's frozen hand (allowing him to sink underwater) to get rescued. The lesson is that sometimes we have to let go of something we love to save ourselves. It's better for you to let him go and suffer the relatively short-term emotional pain rather than drawing out the misery of not having him. Anything less is masochistic.

As painful as it is, every time you think of him say, "I release you and wish you well." Then ask yourself, "what do I need to do to take care of myself right now?" Then do that. You must believe that you're trading this relationship in for a better one. The Universe is already directing the right guy to cross your path at the right time. Focus on that new love to come rather than on what didn't work out.

I also suggest you call the Trevor Project (a 24/7 confidential gay suicide & crisis prevention helpline http://www.trevorproject.org ) immediately at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR or 1-866-488-7386. I also recommend you consult with mental health experts such as a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. It's also a good idea to attend a 12-step group such as CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous http://www.codependents.org ) or Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org ) for self-care, learning how to keep the focus on yourself.

All The Best, Angelo.

Author of Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity, And Finding True Love http://www.askangelo.com
Life...Who's Helping With Yours? Did you know I personally provide one on one support by telephone and internet (Skype) no matter where you are? I even pay for the call (by calling you). And for you recessionistas, I have a special low fee for your first session by phone or internet Reduced Introductory Session so you can try me out. I've actually reduced my fees in general to help my clients during this awful recession, and have phone/internet packages and rewards to help you save even more! There will never be a better time to begin than right now. Details
Next Event MAKING LOVE Thu APR 16 8-10pm LGBT Center Free (Donation).
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LIFE...WHO'S HELPING WITH YOURS?

LESSEN YOUR TROUBLES

http://www.askangelo.com/

Supportively Yours,

Angelo Pezzote, MA, NCC, LMHC, LMFT, RPH

Tel (917) 673-5003 Manhattan, NY

www.AskAngelo.com

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